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Title: Come into the Light
Rating: Red Flag (language)
Pairing: Kimi Räikkönen/Fernando Alonso
Beta/Cheerleader/Muse: dextrakiedis
A/N: Written for Secret Santa 2013 for cional. Enjoy! :)
A/N 2: I cannot thank dextrakiedis enough; she let me run away with her idea, she provided many invaluable tips and edits, she was a great support and she didn’t let me quit on this fic.

. . .

Fernando is livid. He’s absolutely furious, practically shaking with the emotion. The line between love and hate had never blurred so fast for him before. He is pacing the hotel room left and right while Kimi is casually leaning against the doorframe, calmly watching Fernando like they weren’t in a middle of a fucking fight, like the insults weren’t flying back and forth. Kimi’s expression is as unreadable as ever and it pisses Fernando off even more. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say Kimi was getting bored. “How can you be so fucking calm?”

“How can you be so fucking furious?” Kimi retorts evenly, one corner of his lips twitching upwards.

“Stop playing your goddamn games for once and tell me. Something’s been bugging you and I want to know what it is.”

“It’s nothing,” Kimi snaps, his relaxed posture tensing for a second or two. Fernando notices.

“It is something–”

“It’s none of your business,” Kimi replies, his tone harsh and guttural.

“Is this about the two of us?” Fernando asks, fed up with Kimi’s attitude. Kimi scowls, his jaw tightening. “Is it? Because if you want to break up with me, you should just fucking man up and say it. And I swear I’ll be glad you’re gone.” He regrets the words as soon as he says them and if he could take them back, he would, right then.

Kimi sneers at him. “Looks like you know me better than I do.”

“It’s not like that,” Fernando says, his voice raising an octave, “there’s just something wrong and you’re keeping it to yourself. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”

“You don’t love me anyway, so what do you care?” Kimi says, his eyes narrowing.

That stinks. Fernando feels how the anger washes over him anew. “I’m sure not the one who chases every skirt he sees.”

Kimi crosses his arms and snorts, seemingly amused by the whole situation. “Then I’m surely not the one getting divorced because of you,” he drawls, his voice low and icy.

“You fucking bastard how can you just stand there and say shit like that?”

A flicker of annoyance passes through Kimi’s eyes but then his mask, his bloody mask is back on and he slowly peels himself away from the doorframe. “How about you calm down first, and then we can talk.”

“Where are you going? Running away from the argument?!”

“What argument? Oh, you mean your monologue?”

“It wouldn’t be a fucking monologue if you said something instead of just standing there and gaping at me like an idiot!”

“Well, all you talk is bullshit, that evens it out.” Fernando grabs a handful of complimentary peanuts and hurls them in Kimi’s direction. Kimi ducks away, cackling. “Like I said, come talk to me when you’re not acting like you’re five. You might also want to cut down the Spanish soap opera attitude.”

“If you don’t think I fucking love you, I’ll fucking prove it to you. Dammit,” Fernando sags on the bed, breathing the last part mostly to himself because Kimi is long gone.

. . .

It’s hours before he can let go of his anger and came up with a plan instead. He’s biting his nails again, a habit he tried to get rid of countless times. If Kimi doesn’t think he is serious about him, then Fernando obviously must have done something wrong. Trying to talk it out only leads to more arguments.

It would help, undoubtedly, to go public with their relationship. He loves Kimi, of course he does, but the idea of standing in front of the cameras, microphones shoved in front of his face, flashes of the cameras giving him a headache, standing there and talking about all those private feelings, about having a boyfriend, about his boyfriend being Kimi – it turns his insides out. He can’t cause that and face such a nightmare.

Then, suddenly, Fernando realises what to do. He feels like laughing in relief. Someone else has to find out. The secret will leak out, cause an uproar, Kimi will be miserable and freaking out, he will come to Fernando and Fernando will... He will be prepared. He will stand proud and admit it then, charming everyone with his openness. Everyone loves brave people! And Kimi will finally see how much he means to Fernando.

. . .

The picture of the two of them acting all lovey-dovey hits the media the very next day. Yes, it is an uproar. And yes, Kimi comes to hide in Fernando’s room soon enough, his head low and his shoulders slumped. Fernando keeps to his role. He looks troubled but determined and gives Kimi a long firm hug, greeting him without words, letting him know that together, they will get through this. He would offer Kimi a shot but he knows his boyfriend enough to tell when he’s already had a drink or two.

“Shit happens, Kimi,” Fernando says, placing a hand on Kimi’s shoulder and squeezing lightly.

Kimi looks up at him, his eyes icy blue and speculative. Fernando gets the feeling that Kimi sees right through his little charade. But how could he? Fernando stuck to the plan and he was so careful not to... It doesn’t matter now, though. Not when Kimi is giving him the unapproachable glare only he can muster. The longer the look keeps following him, the more unsettled Fernando grows. Well, fuck. If Kimi knows, he has umpteen reasons to hate him.

“Kimi, I didn’t–” he stammers, dropping his hand, taking a step backwards.

“Of course you didn’t,” Kimi replies with a snort, closes his eyes and leans back against the couch.

“I just wanted to, Kimi, I–”

“Just get on with it,” Kimi sighs, blinking his eyes open.

“I’m so sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do. And I wanted you to see that I’m serious about this, about us.”

Kimi frowns.

Fernando gulps. “Are you mad at me?”

Kimi’s frown deepens. “Mad at you? Why would I be... YOU?!”

Fernando flinches at the tone and he fully expects their argument from before to resume. But instead, Kimi chuckles. And then he starts laughing. It’s quiet at first, like he’s trying to hold it in, but then Fernando glances at him and their gazes meet and Kimi gasps: “You didn’t.”

“I didn’t what?” Fernando asks, knowing very well that it’s too late but nothing could stop him from trying to save his ass.

Kimi composes himself and he speaks quietly. “I’m talking about how I fear to think it is exactly what it looks like.” Kimi’s face is seemingly expressionless but Fernando knows the soft tone to be the hissing of an angered cobra.

He desperately wants to say something to defend himself but his thoughts are erratic and the stuttering that leaves his mouth isn’t even proper words, let alone sentences.

Kimi raises to his feet as he grows exasperated. His expression is still unperturbed but his whole body is tense and his glare could freeze hell. “You tell me right now what exactly has happened.”

This is it, then. No more apologies, no lying his way out of it. Kimi looks second away from killing him on the spot and Fernando feels the world coming apart around him. “You shouldn’t have accused me of not loving you!” He blurts out desperately, surprising himself by the vehemence of his words. “I didn’t know what to do! I thought–” Fernando falters because Kimi’s murderous expression isn’t softening, quite the contrary. “I thought that this way I could show you that I always have your backs, no matter what happens. That I will be your support and that I won’t deny our relationship.”

Kimi remains silent. Fernando goes on, desperately.

“It hurts when you don’t talk to me. So maybe I’m the drama queen here, but I love you and what you told me yesterday, that was just so upsetting.”

“So the first thing you do is let the tabloids have our picture?” His tone is a tad more lively but it’s still cutting. Next thing Fernando knows, Kimi is halfway to the door.

“No, Kimi, please wait! We really have to talk about this, so please.”

Kimi turns back to Fernando, one hand on the door. Fernando thought he knew Kimi’s impassive expression, but what he sees shakes him. It’s... scary. And sad. Kimi’s eyes are empty, fixed somewhere on the wall, and his face is a blank mask. And then his empty gaze shifts, slicing right though Fernando.

“Over the two weeks, I’ve been thinking about making our relationship public. I’ve been trying to find the guts to tell you and everyone else.”

Fernando can only gasp. “Kimi...”

“Don’t talk to me. I don’t want to see you.”

. . .

Fernando knows he has to give Kimi space, leave him to process it all. But at the same time, he fears that Kimi’s last sentence meant a breakup. He’s aware that it’s probably the most stupid thing to do , given their situation, but he still sends Kimi a couple of texts before the evening. He even tries to call him. No reaction.

Everyone else but Kimi tries to get in touch with him, though. His team, his manager and his girlfriend and his family are all equally hysterical and the journalists are trying his nerves, letting the phone ring and ring and ring. He doesn’t muster the courage to open his e-mail.

He’s ashamed of it but who could blame him for crying his eyes out.

It’s nearly midnight when Kimi appears at his doorstep. He must have fought his way through the crowd of reporters and Fernando’s not sure if he’s more gobsmacked by that or the fact that Kimi came back in the first place.

“You’re a complete idiot, is that clear?” Kimi says after a brief silence when they’re just standing face to face.

“Crystal,” Fernando nods. He had plenty of time to stew over what he’s caused.

“Me too,” Kimi suddenly lowers his gaze.

“Um, what?” Fernando asks, confused.

“I’m also an idiot because I shouldn’t have come back. It should have been the reasonable end of it. Instead, I’m here.”

“And?” Fernando prompts, knowing that can’t be all.

“And nothing,” Kimi laughs and it is a little bitter. “I’m here, isn’t that enough?”

Relieved, Fernando just tugs him closer and laughs into his neck.

. . .


Jan. 6th, 2014 10:37 am (UTC)
:D Thanks, it was a real challenge, I felt like abandoning the project way too many times.

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